friendsfordinner | ic contact for tlv

It's a good enough reason, [ Hickey says, with a little shrug. ] And if that's the point you're stuck on, it'll take you a long time to finish off the file.

[ He shakes his head. ]

Why do you care what they think? Or whether they'd question?

[ He'll move on. But he feels as if it's an important thing. He's gone by another name before. He hadn't enjoyed it, but it was necessary.]

I don't care what they think. I care that they've already told everybody here what happened to me.

[ It would be so easy just to ignore the events in the Arctic. To keep that to himself, to move past that and move onto something else. But he can't really do that now, can he. Not since Goodsir and the rest have talked to the others and made everything public. ]

You think it'd be seen as running away?

[ He didn't forget that discussion the other day, after all. He hasn't forgotten any of their discussions. ]

[ He pauses for a moment, frowning slightly, trying to see if Kiryu can understand what Hickey's trying to put down. ]

I'm not a coward. If there's something I need to face or something unpleasant I'll need to do, I'll do it. [ A coward wouldn't approach tuunbaq like he did. A coward wouldn't seize the opportunities like he has. ]

I just don't see any use in talking about the past. You just keep moving forward and don't look back. That's the best way to go.

[ He'll summarize to make sure he has the point- ]

Who you were is the past. Hickey Co-

Cornelius Hickey is the future for you.

[ That about it? ]

[ Hickey nods. ]

If Terror broke away from the ice, I planned on deserting on one of those tropical islands. If that happened, I'd leave Cornelius Hickey behind and be someone else entirely. Simple as that.

[ He can't help but think of the young man he'd helped before coming back, of the struggle he was in the midst of. More importantly, the enemy he was up against. Arakawa Masato had destroyed a great deal in his desperate need to shed his old life and succeed in the new one.

He'll be curious to see if he feels that way by the time he gets to graduation. He isn't sure if that'll be the case, but he'll respect his decision. ]

Do you know who that person is? And where you'd want him to be?

He'd be sunning himself on one of those islands. No work, no struggle, none of England's bullshit breathing down his neck. He'd be there and he'd get the chance to relax.

[ it's obvious that there are a few details of this plan Hickey hasn't exactly thought through (you still need to work, dipshit) ]

Then you do want to graduate?

[ It's not something he takes as a given. Nor something he'd push for if Hickey decided he didn't want it. ]

Course I do.

[ said like it's the most obvious thing in the world. ]

But I don't want to spend my time sunning myself on those islands. I want to go back to the Arctic.

Why?

[ He looks skeptical but he also looks a little startled. And then he remembers, some of what Pagan had told him. Some of what he'd read on the network.

Less startled, but still waiting for an answer. ]

There was a god in the Arctic. Tuunbaq—it's probably in that file somewhere. A god in the shape of a bear. I don't care what others say, I know what it is and I know what I saw.

[ there's a little defensiveness in his voice, like he suspects Kiryu might say something otherwise. ]

How the hell d'you expect me to go back to London now that I've seen something like that out there?

[ It's clear he's considering how to approach that, but he's not dismissing it, not hardly. Instead, he's thinking it through. ]

What would you do there, with the god?

[ That's what he keeps getting caught on. ]

I want what it's got.

[ That's said as if it's the most obvious thing ever. But after a pause, Hickey continues to explain. ]

I know it works with a shaman. That's what angered the bear in the first place, one of the men accidentally shooting it's shaman. And that girl, Lady Silence, she tried to be the bear's shaman as well. I don't know the specifics, but I know the process involves cutting out your tongue. But I'd try for that power anyway. I know that bear can suck out a man's soul. If I can even get a fraction of the power that thing has, it would change my life forever.

[ And suddenly a few details about Hickey's tongueless arrival on the Barge make a little more sense. ]

[ He has heard quite a few very weird dreams and ambitions in his time. This is... curiously, somewhere in the top middle. But he's a little confused, and that's clearly what it is. Not some passive aggressive attempt to stymie him or trip him up. He just doesn't get it.]

What would this beast give you that you want? What do you want its power for?

[ When Hickey answers, his tone is a little confused as well, like he honestly has no idea why Kiryu has no idea why he'd want the power. ]

I want it just to want it. Because if the universe is going to offer me up what I deserve, who'm I to say no. Besides, doesn't everybody want to be something more?

[ He certainly understands wanting power. Every Omi scheme to take over Kamurocho, every patriarch who tried to murder his way to the top, even that corpulent police chief and that weird government agent (who he JUST realized he can probably understand now if he thinks back, wow, eh, who cares?) all of it for power...

But, uh-

This? ]

How would being the servant to a bear god make you more?

[ He'll get to what you deserve, Hickey, and what the 'universe' served up. Cause, uh, if you deserved it and it was given to you, what're you doing here? ]

[ The more Kiryu points out the holes in his plan, the more Hickey realizes that it's getting harder and harder to justify. He thought everything made sense at the time! But...well, he also was ill at the time. Not as bad off as some of the others, but there's no denying he was starving.

But his petty stubbornness absolutely does not want to admit that there might have been a bit of lead poisoning behind his mentality. ]

Gods help out their followers, don't they. Tuunbaq would've done the same for me.

[ this is pure conjecture. ]

[ That isn't exactly what he's learned about gods; he hasn't learned much, to be fair, since he mostly just went to the occasional shrine, made his offerings, and that was that. Which is why he's not going to start a discussion on comparative theology.

And that word gives him the in.

"Follower". ]

Do you want to follow power? Or have it for your own?

I want it for my own.

[ He knows what the next question on Kiryu's lips might be. 'Then why settle for following a god?' So Hickey quickly answers, ]

But I'm patient. I can bide my time until I truly get what I want.

[ That wasn't actually where he was going. ]

And what do you truly want?

[ There's a pause where Hickey decides how best to frame this. ]

I want to get to the place where I can stop moving forward. Where everything's just enough.

Enough for what?

[ He gets that, though. He'd love to find that place himself. He also knows he never will, but it's a nice thought. ]

Just...enough.

[ That's not an explanation and he knows it. There's a pause before Hickey clarifies. ]

Enough that I don't have to worry. Enough that I'll be satisfied.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: references to self-mutilation

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject