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[ Hickey nods. ]

If Terror broke away from the ice, I planned on deserting on one of those tropical islands. If that happened, I'd leave Cornelius Hickey behind and be someone else entirely. Simple as that.

[ He can't help but think of the young man he'd helped before coming back, of the struggle he was in the midst of. More importantly, the enemy he was up against. Arakawa Masato had destroyed a great deal in his desperate need to shed his old life and succeed in the new one.

He'll be curious to see if he feels that way by the time he gets to graduation. He isn't sure if that'll be the case, but he'll respect his decision. ]

Do you know who that person is? And where you'd want him to be?

He'd be sunning himself on one of those islands. No work, no struggle, none of England's bullshit breathing down his neck. He'd be there and he'd get the chance to relax.

[ it's obvious that there are a few details of this plan Hickey hasn't exactly thought through (you still need to work, dipshit) ]

Then you do want to graduate?

[ It's not something he takes as a given. Nor something he'd push for if Hickey decided he didn't want it. ]

Course I do.

[ said like it's the most obvious thing in the world. ]

But I don't want to spend my time sunning myself on those islands. I want to go back to the Arctic.

Why?

[ He looks skeptical but he also looks a little startled. And then he remembers, some of what Pagan had told him. Some of what he'd read on the network.

Less startled, but still waiting for an answer. ]

There was a god in the Arctic. Tuunbaq—it's probably in that file somewhere. A god in the shape of a bear. I don't care what others say, I know what it is and I know what I saw.

[ there's a little defensiveness in his voice, like he suspects Kiryu might say something otherwise. ]

How the hell d'you expect me to go back to London now that I've seen something like that out there?

[ It's clear he's considering how to approach that, but he's not dismissing it, not hardly. Instead, he's thinking it through. ]

What would you do there, with the god?

[ That's what he keeps getting caught on. ]

I want what it's got.

[ That's said as if it's the most obvious thing ever. But after a pause, Hickey continues to explain. ]

I know it works with a shaman. That's what angered the bear in the first place, one of the men accidentally shooting it's shaman. And that girl, Lady Silence, she tried to be the bear's shaman as well. I don't know the specifics, but I know the process involves cutting out your tongue. But I'd try for that power anyway. I know that bear can suck out a man's soul. If I can even get a fraction of the power that thing has, it would change my life forever.

[ And suddenly a few details about Hickey's tongueless arrival on the Barge make a little more sense. ]

[ He has heard quite a few very weird dreams and ambitions in his time. This is... curiously, somewhere in the top middle. But he's a little confused, and that's clearly what it is. Not some passive aggressive attempt to stymie him or trip him up. He just doesn't get it.]

What would this beast give you that you want? What do you want its power for?

[ When Hickey answers, his tone is a little confused as well, like he honestly has no idea why Kiryu has no idea why he'd want the power. ]

I want it just to want it. Because if the universe is going to offer me up what I deserve, who'm I to say no. Besides, doesn't everybody want to be something more?

[ He certainly understands wanting power. Every Omi scheme to take over Kamurocho, every patriarch who tried to murder his way to the top, even that corpulent police chief and that weird government agent (who he JUST realized he can probably understand now if he thinks back, wow, eh, who cares?) all of it for power...

But, uh-

This? ]

How would being the servant to a bear god make you more?

[ He'll get to what you deserve, Hickey, and what the 'universe' served up. Cause, uh, if you deserved it and it was given to you, what're you doing here? ]

[ The more Kiryu points out the holes in his plan, the more Hickey realizes that it's getting harder and harder to justify. He thought everything made sense at the time! But...well, he also was ill at the time. Not as bad off as some of the others, but there's no denying he was starving.

But his petty stubbornness absolutely does not want to admit that there might have been a bit of lead poisoning behind his mentality. ]

Gods help out their followers, don't they. Tuunbaq would've done the same for me.

[ this is pure conjecture. ]

[ That isn't exactly what he's learned about gods; he hasn't learned much, to be fair, since he mostly just went to the occasional shrine, made his offerings, and that was that. Which is why he's not going to start a discussion on comparative theology.

And that word gives him the in.

"Follower". ]

Do you want to follow power? Or have it for your own?

I want it for my own.

[ He knows what the next question on Kiryu's lips might be. 'Then why settle for following a god?' So Hickey quickly answers, ]

But I'm patient. I can bide my time until I truly get what I want.

[ That wasn't actually where he was going. ]

And what do you truly want?

[ There's a pause where Hickey decides how best to frame this. ]

I want to get to the place where I can stop moving forward. Where everything's just enough.

Enough for what?

[ He gets that, though. He'd love to find that place himself. He also knows he never will, but it's a nice thought. ]

Just...enough.

[ That's not an explanation and he knows it. There's a pause before Hickey clarifies. ]

Enough that I don't have to worry. Enough that I'll be satisfied.

[ He nods. And then he crosses his arms, and it's clear he's processing all that. When he's done, he nods again, mostly to himself, and looks to Hickey. ]

So you want to go to the frozen north to chase a bear god who killed you last time, after you cut out your tongue, because he may decide to accept you as his follower, and then you may be able to bide your time for more.

[ A pause. A finger raised. And then he's going to stand up. And walk over to his bedroom. There's some shuffling around before he returns with a silver briefcase. He puts it on the table between them and opens it, revealing row up on row of 10,000 yen bills. While the bills themselves are obviously nothing Hickey's ever seen, money looks like money. And this money very much looks like money. Finally, he says-]

I wasn't kidding. And that?

Is 'enough'.

Edited 2021-11-04 03:03 (UTC)

[ Well when you phrase it like that, it sounds like a stupid idea!

Hickey glowers, the sort of glower someone gets when they know that they're wrong and they know that they can't really defend it. All he can say is 'well it made sense at the time' which he knows is stupid and knows is a poor explanation! So he just sulks a little and the sulking continues as Kiryu shows him that briefcase of money.

God how he wants it. But there are a few other practicalities Hickey feels he should point out first. ]

I don't want to go to Japan, [ he points out. Might as well focus on a small thing right now, even if he knows he sounds childish when he says it. ] And I especially don't want to go to Japan two hundred years in my future. Don't even know how the bloody banks work in your time.

You wouldn’t have to go to Japan. And I- [ only the briefest pause because everything’s changed now, there’s no sense in staying away from him, but he doesn’t feel great that he’d be coming to him that first time asking for help, though that’s his problem, not Hickey’s ] know someone who could explain the banks to you.

[ He looks over to Hickey. And the question he asks is more about what he’s been wondering than anything directly tied to the discussion. ]

So is it really about ‘enough’? Or is there another dream in your heart?

[ There's a long pause. Because the dreams Hickey has are partly dreams. But they're also partly what-ifs. Hopes and possibilities to strive towards mostly because it's just something better than what he had. ]

Back on Terror, I was planning to desert. We were going to pass by tropical islands. Oahu. Maui. My plan was to jump ship and spend the rest of my life there.

[ A pause before he admits, ] I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

[ He looks very firmly at Hickey. At his eyes. And he asks, very deliberately. ]

What do you really want, Hickey-san?

[ There's another long pause. If this was anyone else, he'd change the question. But Kiryu...he honestly believes that Kiryu would do these things for him. That he actually does care. ]

I want to get to a place where I don't have to constantly try to make things better. I want people to respect and to actually see me.

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cw: references to self-mutilation

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